THE PYRAMID

 

Publicity poster for The Pyramid (© Grégory Levasseur/Silvatar Media/Fox International Productions/Atmosphere Pictures/20^th Century Fox – reproduced here on a strictly non-commercial Fair Use basis for educational/review purposes only)

On 2 November 2023, I watched the sci fi/fantasy-themed horror movie The Pyramid, whose horror quotient was unrelenting, fully explaining – and justifying – its R rating!

Directed by Grégory Levasseur, and released in 2014 by 20^th Century Fox, The Pyramid takes its title from a mysterious, newly-discovered, subterranean pyramid in Egypt that uniquely possesses only three sides and is therefore of immense scientific interest. Father and daughter archaeologists Drs Miles and Nora Holden (Denis 'O Hare and Ashley Hinshaw), accompanied by documentary film makers Sunni Marsh (Christa-Marie Nichola) and Terry 'Fitzie' Fitzsimmons (James Buckley) plus local guide Michael Zahir (Amir K), foolhardily decide to enter this strange pyramid in order to rescue the remote-controlled rover vehicle that they'd sent in earlier to explore and record the interior, despite having been warned off by the authorities.

Shortly after they enter the pyramid, however, the internal floor suddenly collapses beneath them, plunging everyone deep down inside the very bowels of the pyramid, where all manner of horrors await the now well-and-truly imprisoned and imperiled team, hopelessly lost amid the winding, labyrinthine passageways and endless, enshadowed catacombs.

These horrors include a feral pack of voracious hairless feline monsters (recalling the real-life hairless sphynx cat breed, but writ large and ferocious) that swiftly and savagely attack them, killing Zahir when he becomes trapped under falling rocks. Yet these cryptozoological critters from the crypt aren't even the major threat facing the team, a threat that lurks in the shadows, unseen for much of the movie but leaving telling, bloody traces of its presence, before it ultimately makes its shocking, jump-scare entrance.

 

The terrifying visage of Anubis, who is entirely computer-generated in this film, and whose bloodthirstiness here is actually a far cry from the much more benevolent Anubis of traditional ancient Egyptian mythology (© Grégory Levasseur/Silvatar Media/Fox International Productions/Atmosphere Pictures/20^th Century Fox – reproduced here on a strictly non-commercial Fair Use basis for educational/review purposes only)

Think canine-headed ancient Egyptian deity of the dead, deliberately entombed alive inside this pyramid many millennia ago... Yes indeed, Anubis himself, still very much active, and still very much intent upon performing his assigned duty of weighing the heart of anyone brought to him against a feather to determine whether they are pure enough to enter the After Life. If they aren't, Anubis consumes their heart (at least in this movie; in traditional ancient Egyptian mythology, conversely, he throws rejected hearts to a crocodile-headed monster called the ammut to devour instead).

And how does he obtain their heart in the first place? By tearing it out of their still-living body's chest with his clawed hand, as poor Miles all too soon discovers! Grim, very grim!

Moreover, as if there weren't already enough unexpected shocks waiting to greet me within this in every sense dark movie: at the precise moment that the team abruptly fell into the pyramid's dark depths when the floor collapsed, my DVD of this movie froze, and refused to progress further, meaning that I had to eject it, then reinsert it, and jump chapter by chapter through the movie till I reached just beyond the scene of the floor collapse and then rewind slowly back to where it had frozen, then press Play – and this time it did.

Nevertheless, the absolutely precise timing of the DVD's unexpected jamming with the screen going black due to the team's plummeting downward into total darkness was nothing if not unnerving!

 

My newly-purchased silver-hued statuette of Anubis, in traditional jackal representation (though recent research has unexpectedly revealed that Egypt's jackals are not jackals at all, but actually a hitherto-unrecognised species of wolf, so Anubis is correctly described not as jackal-headed any longer, but as wolf-headed instead) (© Dr Karl Shuker)

The Pyramid certainly plays to its strengths in terms of fostering an ever-increasing, intensifying, virtually tangible atmosphere of claustrophobic horror, ratcheting up the tension to an almost unbearable level, especially once the truly terrifying to behold and inordinately toothy Anubis appears and makes clear his deadly intentions for the few survivors left. Speaking of whom: don't expect a happy ending, at least not for them. As for Anubis – you'll have to watch the movie and find out for yourself what happens to him…

Finally: is it just me or is the publicity photo-still shown below of Anubis confronting terrified archaeologist Nora in The Pyramid more than a little reminiscent of the iconic much-reproduced publicity photo-still of the Alien confronting Sigourney Weaver's Ellen Ripley in the 1979 space movie Alien? Just coincidence, or an intentional tribute by the former film to the latter one? Compare and contrast them, and decide for yourself.

If you'd like to watch an official trailer for The Pyramid on YouTube, please click here.

And to view a complete chronological listing of all of my Shuker In MovieLand blog's other film reviews and articles (each one instantly accessible via a direct clickable link), please click HERE; please click HERE to view a complete fully-clickable alphabetical listing of them.

 

(Above) Anubis confronting a terrified Nora Holden in The Pyramid; (Below) The Alien confronting a terrified Ellen Ripley in Alien (© Grégory Levasseur/Silvatar Media/Fox International Productions/Atmosphere Pictures/20^th Century Fox – reproduced here on a strictly non-commercial Fair Use basis for educational/review purposes only / © Ridley Scott/Brandywine Productions/20^th Century Fox – reproduced here on a strictly non-commercial Fair Use basis for educational/review purposes only)

 

NOT QUITE JERUSALEM (aka NOT QUITE PARADISE)

 

UK publicity poster for Not Quite Jerusalem (aka Not Quite Paradise) (© Lewis Gilbert/J. Arthur Rank Film Distributors/Anchor Bay Entertainment – reproduced here on a strictly non-commercial Fair Use basis for educational/review purposes only)

Back in August 2023, I rewatched a nowadays fairly obscure but thoroughly charming hidden gem of a British movie from the 1980s that I'd last viewed over 30 years earlier when renting its big box video from a UK video shop. Some years ago, however, I finally tracked it down as a sell-thru video and purchased it straight away, and I've been planning to revisit it ever since. In Europe, this movie is entitled Not Quite Jerusalem (after its source stage play, by Paul Kember, which was first performed in 1982), but was retitled as Not Quite Paradise when released in America.

Directed by Lewis Gilbert, with a screenplay by the afore-mentioned Kember, and released in 1985 by J. Arthur Rank Film Distributors in the UK, and by Anchor Bay Entertainment in the USA, Not Quite Jerusalem is a comedy/romance movie, but also with a serious parallel drama thread running through it.

Its main story concerns a group of young people (20-somethings) from around the world who come to an Israeli kibbutz to spend a few months working there together as volunteers for all manner of different personal reasons. Some are here simply for the experience, some to get away from their past, and some to create a new future for themselves.

Among this movie's stars are Kevin McNally as leather-jacketed Cockney wide-boy Pete and Bernard Strother as his denimed Northerner cohort Dave; Ewan Stewart as Scottish soldier Angus, whose turns of duty in the British Army serving in Northern Ireland during The Troubles have greatly affected him emotionally; Sam Robards as American medical student Mike, who provides one half of the film's love interest; and a stunningly beautiful Joanna Pacula as kibbutz volunteers-organiser Gila providing the other half. Mike is torn between staying there permanently with Gila, or returning home to the States to complete his medical training. What will he do?

 

Dave (Bernard Strother) and Pete (Kevin McNally) with Gila (Joanna Pacula), in Not Quite Jerusalem (© Lewis Gilbert/J. Arthur Rank Film Distributors/Anchor Bay Entertainment – reproduced here on a strictly non-commercial Fair Use basis for educational/review purposes only)

Also of note is Selina Cadell as scouser Carrie, whose airs and graces and claims to be a nurse engaged to a physician are ultimately exposed as something very different indeed. And let's not forget Todd Graaf as very likeable but seriously gauche Jewish American youth Rothwell T. Schwarz, who is determined not only to embrace but also to record for posterity every last aspect of his stay there, with the assistance of his ever-present cine-camera, even including "my first leak on sacred soil"!

The serious thread, conversely, features a group of militants determined to capture a leading Israeli figure in order to swap him for the imprisoned brother of one of them. In the movie's climax, the kibbutz volunteers find themselves taken hostage by the gun-toting militants, who are then stormed by a heavily-armed Israeli military force, the resulting confrontation culminating in deaths, but whose are they?

Not Quite Jerusalem develops each of its varied characters and their interactions with one another in a subtle, disarming progression, until by the end of it the viewer feels as if he/she actually know them and their foibles personally. So, what happens to them matters to the viewer, which is a tribute to the acting skills of the entire ensemble.

Maintaining this movie's emotional impact throughout, moreover, is the glorious music of longstanding Italian chamber orchestra act Rondo Veneziano, of whom I have been a constant fan ever since they first entered the UK music charts way back in the early 1980s with one of their countless self-penned, self-performed instrumental compositions (as of now, over 40 years later, they have recorded more than 70 albums).

 

Early 1980s publicity poster for the music of Rondo Veneziano, who often wear futuristic full-faced metallic masks when performing, and featuring the spectacular artwork of Angus McKie (© Rondo Veneziano/Angus McKie/Ferroway Records – reproduced here on a strictly non-commercial Fair Use basis for educational/review purposes only)

It is interesting that although their early music in particular, i.e. during the time when this movie was made, was inspired by Venice, hence their name, it also perfectly augments the Holy Land setting portrayed here (the movie was shot on location at a real Israeli kibbutz), and the film includes my all-time favourite Rondo Veneziano composition – their serene, hauntingly wistful 'Sinfonia per un Addio' ('Symphony For a Farewell').

I cannot recommend Not Quite Jerusalem highly enough – a multi-faceted movie shifting effortlessly back and forth between sunshine and shade, from light, comedic whimsy to serious, poignant drama. So although it is not easy to find, do watch it if you can. And to ensure that you have no excuse for not doing so, this movie is currently free to watch on YouTube here.

Also, be sure to click here to listen to Rondo Veneziano performing 'Sinfonia per un Addio', accompanied by a sumptuous video celebrating Venetian masquerade, a longstanding fascination of mine.

Finally: to view a complete chronological listing of all of my Shuker In MovieLand blog's other film reviews and articles (each one instantly accessible via a direct clickable link), please click HERE, and please click HERE to view a complete fully-clickable alphabetical listing of them.

 

USA publicity poster for Not Quite Jerusalem (aka Not Quite Paradise) (© Lewis Gilbert/J. Arthur Rank Film Distributors/Anchor Bay Entertainment – reproduced here on a strictly non-commercial Fair Use basis for educational/review purposes only)

 

THE NIGHT THE ANIMALS TALKED

 

Publicity poster for The Night The Animals Talked (© Shamus Culthane/Zavala-Riss Productions/David Gerber Productions/Gamma Film/ABC – reproduced here on a strictly non-commercial Fair Use basis for educational/review purposes only)

One of my abiding, fondest memories of Christmas on TV as a youngster in the UK was a truly delightful American/Italian animated featurette entitled The Night The Animals Talked. Roughly 25 minutes long, and containing several specially-written songs by none other than that celebrated Hollywood songwriting duo Sammy Cahn and Jule Styne, this TV movie was shown each Christmas on television here for several years during the 1970s, but then abruptly vanished from the schedules, never to be screened again.

Consequently, despite still remembering it in great detail, almost 50 years had passed since I had last actually viewed this thoroughly charming cartoon when only quite recently I unexpectedly came across it on – where else? – YouTube, and watched it enraptured all over again. I have also been able to obtain a first-generation DVD of it.

So today, Christmas Day, is the perfect time to reveal and review here on Shuker In MovieLand this tragically-overlooked hidden gem from my childhood. I often refer to such all-but-lost TV and movie treasures as forgotten, but judging from the numerous and invariably glowing comments and commendations that I have read about it on YouTube, IMDb, and elsewhere online, The Night The Animals Talked is anything but forgotten.

On the contrary: it may have long vanished from our TV screens, and not just in the UK but also in the USA, Australia, and everywhere else, sadly, it would seem, but as with me the cherished memories of this charming little production have clearly remained intact and still very much alive within the minds of countless viewers worldwide down through the decades. So here are mine, within my following review.

Directed by James G. 'Shamus' Culthane, with David Gerber as its executive producer, its teleplay by Jan Hartman and Sam Rosen (from a story by Peter Hernandez originally created as a script for an MGM children's record), and first screened on television by ABC in the USA on my 11^th birthday (9 December 1970) as it so happens, The Night The Animals Talked was originally inspired by a Norwegian festive folktale. In it, animals miraculously gain the power of human speech during the early hours of Christmas Morning, to honour the birth of Jesus, now more than two centuries ago.

In The Night The Animals Talked, this miracle occurs when the Star of Bethelehem shines down one winter's morning long ago upon a lowly stable in this small Middle Eastern town. It is home to an assortment of livestock including oxen, sheep, chickens, mules, a sheepdog, a goat, and a couple of pigs. However, the other animals cruelly discriminate against the pigs, refusing to allow them to stay inside the stable as they deem them to be inferior and therefore unworthy of shelter, so the poor pigs are forced to remain outside in their sty.

 

The animals are overjoyed that they can communicate with one another (© Shamus Culthane/Zavala-Riss Productions/David Gerber Productions/Gamma Film/ABC – reproduced here on a strictly non-commercial Fair Use basis for educational/review purposes only)

When the divine rays of the Star of Bethlehem bathe the animals in radiant light, however, they discover to their astonishment that they can speak, and are now able to communicate directly with each other (cue this featurette's catchiest song, 'It's Great To Communicate'), and even with humans, if any were around.

Yet initially, they waste their precious gift by squabbling needlessly and heedlessly with each other, until the wise old ox (voiced by Joe Silver) reminds them that they are behaving no better than humans themselves do.

This sharp, shaming remonstration swiftly puts an end to their verbal sparring, until, that is, they are approached by a small donkey bearing a weary lady, Mary, who is very soon to give birth, and accompanied on foot by her husband, Joseph.

The donkey (Frank Porretta) informs the animals that the couple have been unable to find accommodation at any of the town's inns, and enquires whether they can take shelter and sanctuary in the stable where Mary can then have her baby in warmth and safety.

At first, this sparks conflict between the animals, not all of them being happy for the couple to stay, as their opinion of humans in general, based no doubt upon how they treat livestock, is not a favourable one. Once again, however, the kindly ox convinces all of them to show mercy and tolerance, instead of acting like people once again, but by now the donkey and the couple have already departed. Happily, they are soon tracked down and led back to the stable by a flock of friendly swallows, and the couple are duly welcomed inside by all of the animals there..

Not long afterwards, Mary gives birth, not shown on screen but watched humbly in awe and amazement by the animals, whose new-found benevolence has even extended to the pigs, now allowed to enter and be present alongside all of them, gazing in great joy upon the infant Jesus, the newly-born Christ Child, Saviour of the World, brightly illuminated by the glorious Light of God streaming d0wn from the Star of Bethlehem directly overhead in the sky. Accompanying this serene setting is a beautiful Cahn-Styne composition, 'The Greatest Miracle of All'. Interestingly, the Holy Family are never actually named nor even portrayed directly here, Joseph and Mary being represented only via their shadows, and Jesus by an incandescent glow of radiant light within the stable but emanating from the Star of Bethlehem above it.

 

The animals gaze in awe at the infant Jesus, bathed in holy light from the Star of Bethlehem (© Shamus Culthane/Zavala-Riss Productions/David Gerber Productions/Gamma Film/ABC – reproduced here on a strictly non-commercial Fair Use basis for educational/review purposes only)

The animals are so inspired and uplifted by what they have beheld that they race outside, eager to tell the humans everywhere what has occurred on this holy night, and that love itself is a miracle. But as they attempt to do so, their human speech transforms back into the respective sounds that these animals normally make – the sheep bleat, the mules bray, the dog barks, the chickens cluck and crow. The miracle is over, at least for them, but for humanity it has just begun.

Indeed, the last animal to retain speech, the wise ox, does so just long enough to wonder outloud if humanity will realize what an incredible miracle it has been given, before he too loses his vocal gift and, together with all of the other animals, returns silently to their stable. Yet although their speech is now gone, the lessons in love and kindness that it taught them will remain with them for all time.

It is clear that this skillfully-produced, poignant featurette presents a number of significant adult-themed concepts to its predominantly child-based audience – discrimination, racism, tolerance, segregation, co-operation, even vanity all feature within it – but in a very gentle, subtle manner, far removed from the decidedly unsubtle, sledgehammer approach all too frequently applied by contemporary movie-makers.

Whereas not up to the high standards achieved by Disney cartoons, for instance, during the 1970s, and far short of any produced today, the animation in The Night The Animals Talked is certainly more than serviceable, especially when augmented by the tuneful Cahn-Styne songs and a strong voice cast. Moreover, having watched this featurette all over again before writing this review, I can testify that its charm has neither been diluted by age nor exaggerated by rose-tinted memories.

Consequently, I feel certain that it would delight new generations of children in exactly the same way that it delighted previous generations, including mine, if, after being off-screen for far too long, this superb Christmas treat were finally rescreened on TV – which would be a veritable and much-welcomed Christmas miracle in itself.

There are currently several uploads of The Night The Animals Talked available to watch for free on YouTube, but of those, the one offering the best visual quality in my opinion can be accessed here. Happy viewing, and Happy Christmas!

Finally: to view a complete chronological listing of all of my Shuker In MovieLand blog's other film/TV reviews and articles (each one instantly accessible via a direct clickable link), please click HERE, and please click HERE to view a complete fully-clickable alphabetical listing of them.

 

The animals joyfully greeting the entry into their stable of Mary and Joseph (© Shamus Culthane/Zavala-Riss Productions/David Gerber Productions/Gamma Film/ABC – reproduced here on a strictly non-commercial Fair Use basis for educational/review purposes only)

 

RAZORTOOTH

 

My official Lionsgate Region 1 DVD of Razortooth (© Patricia Harrington/Gravedigger Films/Capital Art Entertainment (CAE)/PUSH/Lionsgate – reproduced here on a strictly non-commercial Fair Use basis for educational/review purposes only)

My movie watch on 20 December 2023 was my long-owned but previously-unviewed Lionsgate Region 1 DVD of Razortooth, in order to find out at long last just how very far short this horror/monster movie would fall in comparison to what I'd always naturally assumed was the extreme visual hyperbole of its DVD's ultra-dramatic front cover illustration (shown above) – only to discover to my great surprise that, if anything, the actual movie was even more OTT than said illustration!!

Directed by Patricia Harrington, and released in 2007 by CAE/PUSH, Razortooth is on the surface just another of those numerous modern-day CGI-laden creature features in which a group of diverse people are brought together in a shared spine-chilling experience of a horrific monster on the rampage. The latter usually constitutes either a freakishly large or genetically-altered mutant individual of a known present-day species or some gargantuan prehistoric horror retrieved from the distant past either directly via time-travel or once again via genetic manipulation.

Said monster then systematically slaughters in a variety of different (but usually gory) manners virtually every human character in the movie, steadily devouring its way up the cast list from bit-part players to supporting characters and then, finally, confronting the leads in a grand do-or-die climactic battle before expiring with just enough screen time left for the surviving leads to exchange some light banter before the credits roll.

In Razortooth, the titular monster is a genetically-modified Asian swamp eel (much more about which later) of huge size and voracious appetite that has escaped into the Florida Everglades from the laboratory that engineered it, and now is diligently decimating everything and everyone that it encounters there – escaped convicts, Irish wolfhound, teenage canoeists, they all suffer the same gruesome fate, albeit executed in an array of imaginative splatter fests. Incidentally, I should warn you that this particular movie contains far more blood and gore than is usual for a low-budget modern-day creature feature of the ScyFy-similar genre, which is why it holds an R rating certificate in the States, so beware.

Normally at this point I'd present my own précis of the plot, but in this case the latter is so generic, and also because there is one particular aspect of the movie that I'd much prefer devoting the majority of this review to (especially as it does not appear to have been covered by anyone else whose reviews I've read), I've elected to save time and space by simply quoting instead a very succinct, accurate summary of it penned by Brazilian viewer Claudio Carvalho that I encountered on IMDb's Razortooth entry, so here it is:

Two prisoners escape through the swamp land in Everglades and the search party is attacked by a giant mutant eel and is considered missing. The Animal Control agent Delmar Coates is searching [for] a missing dog with his ex-wife Sheriff Ruth Gainey-Coates and he discovers the remains of the animal. Meanwhile members of a canoe club organize an expedition through the swamp. When Sheriff Ruth organizes a manhunt to capture the criminals, Delmar informs that his former friend, Dr. Soren Abramson, who is chasing the eel with a group of college students, is the [person] responsible for [this] mutant species [sic – specimen]. Sheriff Ruth organizes two teams to hunt the prisoners and the eel.

The two lead characters are Delmar Coates (played by Doug Swander) and Sheriff Ruth Gainey-Coates (Kathleen LaGue), so it will come as no surprise to learn that they are still standing, just about, by the time that we reach this movie's big, explosive finish – and I do mean big, and explosive!! What may come as a surprise is spotting a familiar face playing one of the lesser characters – yes indeed, Josh Gad (playing ill-fated Jay Wells), in one of his earliest big-screen roles before going on to the likes of Pixels with Adam Sandler, Disney's live-action Beauty and the Beast, and the voice of Olaf the snowman in Frozen, among many others.

 

Eyeballing the razortooth: not a sight that you'd ever want to see up-close – or from any distance, for that matter! (© Patricia Harrington/Gravedigger Films/Capital Art Entertainment (CAE)/PUSH/Lionsgate – reproduced here on a strictly non-commercial Fair Use basis for educational/review purposes only)

But now, let's move on to what for me was the all-important feature of this monster movie – the specific zoological nature of the razortooth!! (Curiously, despite someone in the production company having specifically devised this memorable moniker for it, I don't actually recall it being employed anywhere within the film, other than as its title). As I mentioned earlier, this creature is supposed to be a genetically-modified, super-sized mutant specimen of a genuine species known zoologically as the Asian swamp eel Monopterus albus.

Native to shallow, muddy freshwater wetlands across eastern and southeastern Asia, this air-breathing eel-shaped species (but a synbranchid rather than a true eel), measuring only a very modest 3 ft or less, has indeed been introduced into the USA – beginning during the 1990s in Georgia, from where they themselves migrated into the Florida Everglades (their air-breathing ability enabling them to move overland in limited fashion if the land is water-saturated, but not if dry).

Due to the deleterious effect that its presence is having upon various native crayfish species, however, the Asian swamp eel is nowadays deemed an invasive species in these States, with attempts being made to control its burgeoning numbers and physically remove specimens where possible.

Needless to say, however it does not exist in any kind of mutant, extra-large version, and in any case this species confines itself to a diet of aquatic worms and insects, frogs, fishes, terrapin eggs, and crustaceans – as opposed to gorging itself upon humans and wolfhounds! But these are not the only major differences between the real Asian swamp eel and its monstrous movie counterpart.

Although much was made during the film of its disturbing true-life invasive presence in Florida's Everglades, in terms of its morphology the Asian swamp eel is nothing remotely frightening or dangerous, possessing only small, inconspicuous jaws and a totally smooth, featureless body. So how was this innocuous creature going to play the central role of a bloodthirsty terror? By not only greatly increasing its size but also appending to it some decidedly horrific characteristics purloined from various real but visually hideous piscean predators, that's how?

As a zoologist, moreover, I could readily recognize which predators had been utilized, and they were all from a specific taxonomic family of deepsea marine fishes – Stomiidae, the barbelled dragonfishes.

Totally unrelated to swamp eels, but once again only a few feet long at most (usually a lot less), these dragonfishes exist in several visibly different types, and it looks as if certain specific characteristics sampled from three of these types were deftly combined with the elongate body of the Asian swamp eel to yield the murderous razortooth of this movie, as I duly demonstrate below via the following series of comparative illustrations:

 

From top to bottom: the Asian swamp eel Monopterus albus; the viperfish Chauliodus sp.; the black dragonfish Idiacanthus atlanticus; Alcock's boatfish Stomias nebulosus; and the composite result, the razortooth (please click to enlarge for viewing purposes) (top four pix public domain; razortooth composite pic © Dr Karl Shuker)

As can readily be seen from this comparison: if the viperfish's head and jaws brimming with javelinesque teeth, the black dragonfish's nearly membrane-less spiny dorsal fin (but extended along the eel's entire dorsal surface, not just the posterior half of it as in the dragonfish), and the boatfish's unusual arrowhead-like dorsal and ventral pre-terminal fins are added to the Asian swamp eel, the result is the razortooth. Apparently, Jeff Farley, the special effects expert who worked on Babylon 5, created the razortooth, so he had evidently conducted some sound ichthyological research during this process.

Moreover, there is no doubt that for much of the time, whether in the water or on land, or even when it slithers up into trees, the razortooth is impressive enough to keep the viewer's eyes glued to the screen, but most especially when it is very rapidly undulating horizontally in dramatic whiplash manner as it pursues its human prey on land, thus adopting the same mode of movement that snakes utilize.

The big problem comes from this monster's body size, which is anything but constant. One moment the razortooth is so huge that it rears vertically above the water like a latter-day plesiosaur from those now-dated prehistoric animal books from the 1960s and 70s that habitually portrayed these aquatic reptiles as swan-necked. The next moment it is small enough and narrow enough to swim up through the exit pipe of a toilet or shower unit in order to seize hold of the unsuspecting, hapless human utilizing said facility. Then suddenly it's big enough again to bite a man in half, or to be wrestled with by the redoubtable Delmar, and so on…

By way of mitigation for such morphological inconstancy, at one point scientist Dr Abramson (Simon Page) tells his students about how flexible the muscular bodies of eels are, enabling them to squeeze through holes and crevices ostensibly too small for this to be possible. That is true, but there are limits, even for a mutant eel ('mutant' being another oft-utilised get-out-of-jail card in monster movies for explaining seemingly impossible feats performed by the monster in question!).

Anyway, such quibbles aside, and if you're not hoping for any in-depth characterization of the mega-eel's numerous victims either, Razortooth is certainly an enjoyable creature feature (unless you're haemophobic!). And unlike many of its so-serious contemporaries in this genre, it even purposefully includes a blacker shade of black vein of tongue-in-cheek humour running through it, but without descending to spoof or parody levels. Monster movie purists may well hate this flick, of course, but at least its choice of animal antagonist makes an interesting, diverting change from the more usual giant inverts, prehistoric survivors, and belligerent ape-men that tend to dominate this cinematic category.

Razortooth is currently available to watch free of charge on YouTube, so if you'd like to do so, just click here. Or click here if you'd simply like to watch an official trailer for it.

Finally: to view a complete chronological listing of all of my Shuker In MovieLand blog's other film reviews and articles (each one instantly accessible via a direct clickable link), please click HERE, and please click HERE to view a complete fully-clickable alphabetical listing of them.

 

No escape from the razortooth – whether in the water, out of the water, on dry land, or even up a tree, it's gonna get ya! (© Patricia Harrington/Gravedigger Films/Capital Art Entertainment (CAE)/PUSH/Lionsgate – reproduced here on a strictly non-commercial Fair Use basis for educational/review purposes only)

 

 

CARNIFEX

 

Publicity poster for Carnifex, showing the characters gazing up in awe at some formidable claw marks left upon a  tree trunk by a large unknown animal of seemingly arboreal ability (© Sean Lahiff/Dancing Road Productions/Arclight Films/Universal Pictures Content Group – reproduced here on a strictly non-commercial Fair Use basis for educational/review purposes only)

Thanks to longstanding Australian FB friend and crypto-enthusiast Tim Morris kindly making it available to me - thanks Tim! – my movie watch on 26 October 2023 was the fairly recent Australian cryptozoology-themed creature feature Carnifex.

Directed by Sean Lahiff, and released just a year ago in December 2022 by Universal Pictures, Carnifex takes its name in a general sense from the Latin word for 'butcher' or even (during the Roman era) 'executioner'. However, wildlife enthusiasts, especially cryptozoologists, will also be aware of its more specific, zoological meaning.

Consequently, if you're of the latter persuasion, you will have no doubt guessed straight away from this movie's title that while conservationists Ben (Harry Greenwood) and Grace (Sisi Stringer) accompanied by documentary camerawoman Bailey (Alexandra Park) are uncovering and recording deep within the Australian outback the vast wildlife devastation caused there by some recent, unprecedented bushfires, they also make the startling, totally unexpected, and truly terrifying discovery of a living marsupial lion Thylacoleo carnifex. For once they do, they also discover – very swiftly – just how hyper-aggressive and rapacious the creature is, forcing them into a desperate bid for survival against this mega-belligerent blast from the past, their thoughts echoing only too emphatically the film's tagline: "Some species should remain extinct".

This ferocious species was – or is? –  a predatory pouched mammal of feline form, leopard or lioness stature (opinions vary), and possibly arboreal capabilities, but officially deemed extinct for many millennia. However, some cryptozoologists feel that its putative reclusive survival into the present day may explain occasional reports of an Aussie mystery beast known as the yarri or Queensland tiger. It may even have inspired the spoof killer koala called the drop bear (koalas and marsupial lions were actually quite closely related). Most of this pertinent background information, however, is never alluded to in the movie, sadly.

 

Yarri or Queensland tiger, based upon eyewitness descriptions (© Dami Editore srl – reproduced here on a strictly non-commercial Fair Use basis for educational/review purposes only)

Speaking of which: its build-up to this very dramatic discovery, although very lengthy (see later), is engrossing, and features a trio of lead likeable characters that interact well together, interspersed with plenty of breathtaking shots of genuine Aussie Outback Nevertheless, Carnifex suffers from two very significant, crucial problems.

Firstly, once the story truly gets going, it consists almost entirely of night-time scenes, resulting in actual sightings of the creature (with totally black pelage, thereby rendering it even more difficult to see against the darkness)  being as shadowy and brief as they are seldom and inconclusive, i.e. plenty of growling and flesh-tearing sounds, but visually all but non-existent.

Secondly, when in this 90-odd-minute movie's last 10 minutes we finally - finally! - get to see two blink-and-you'll-miss-them close-up full-face shots of the (very) anatagonistic animal in question (so fleeting in fact that after seeing them I then had to rewind and laboriously seek them out via freeze-frame in order to be sure of what they actually revealed – something, incidentally, that cinema audiences for this movie would not have had the luxury of being able to do), guess what?

The film makers had only gone and got their Thylacoleo carnifex fundamentally wrong – and after having kept their increasingly impatient viewers waiting so long to see it properly too!

 

A selection of photo-stills from Carnifex depicting the latter beast's brief appearances and, especially, its dentition – click picture montage to enlarge for viewing purposes (© Sean Lahiff/Dancing Road Productions/Arclight Films/Universal Pictures Content Group – reproduced here on a strictly non-commercial Fair Use basis for educational/review purposes only)

All placental carnivores have fangs consisting of enlarged upper canine teeth (and so too, for that matter, does, or did, the thylacine or Tasmanian marsupial wolf Thylacinus cynocephalus, officially deemed extinct in 1936 but which may still linger on in this island's more remote regions). In stark contrast, conversely, the tusk-like fang counterparts of Thylacoleo were actually greatly-enlarged upper incisors (it also sported a pair of extremely enlarged lower incisors, but its upper canines were only very small and stubby). Yet in this movie, its Thylacoleo has been given enlarged upper canines, not incisors, thereby rendering their Carnifex dentally deranged!

Moreover, the two close-up shots of its front paws also revealed a telling absence of the huge thumb claw constituting another morphologcal characteristic of this unique predator.

Judging from these major morphological discrepancies, I can only assume that someone apparently hadn't done their zoological homework when researching T. carnifex for this Carnifex-entitled movie. Needless to say, this is a great shame, especially as otherwise it is a most enjoyable film, with engaging characters amid the savage beauty of the Australian bush, and it would have been a wonderful showcase for a truly original animal antagonist never previously represented in a cinematic role.

Then again, it is fair to say that many viewers are unlikely to have in-depth knowledge of thylacoleonid dentition anyway. So they will simply not notice or recognize the inaccuracy of the latter's depiction in this movie (particularly as it has no effect upon the plot itself), thereby enabling them to enjoy the movie as an otherwise very watchable, well-presented conservation-minded creature feature, especially one produced by a small independent film company as opposed to a mega-bucks Hollywood studio. Also on the positive side, it does mean that a morphologically-accurate 'living Thylacoleo'-themed monster movie is still waiting to be made.

 

Thylacoleo carnifex model produced by Jeff Johnson and owned by Rebecca Lang, two longstanding Facebook friends of mine (© Jeff Johnson/Rebecca Lang – reproduced here on a strictly non-commercial Fair Use basis for educational/review purposes only)

Incidentally, a novel written by Australian horror author Matthew J. Hellscream (I'm guessing that this may be a pseudonym…) that was published in 2016, i.e. 6 years before the present movie under review here was released, was also entitled Carnifex, and also featured some visitors to a remote area of the Australian bush encountering living but scientifically-undiscovered marsupial lions. According to various Adelaide Advertiser articles, Hellstream took legal advice when the movie came out because of perceived title and plot similarities, but that is not what I am concerned with here. What I am concerned with is that the very striking illustration of one such beast present on the front cover of Hellstream's novel depicts it with totally accurate dentition – click here to view it, and take note of the greatly enlarged incisors, and all but absent canines, plus the shearing blade-like carnassials further back.

I don't own a copy of this novel (yet), but I've heard tell that the cover artwork was prepared by acclaimed horror artist Frank Walls, who created the front cover for Hellscream's previous novel, Metro 7, but I can't confirm this. Whoever did design it, however, clearly made the effort to portray accurately the unique dentition of this truly unique mammalian predator.

Anyway, if you'd like to peer through the darkness of the Outback at night in search of the toothy terror lurking in this movie, be sure to click here to watch an official Carnifex trailer on YouTube.

Finally: to view a complete chronological listing of all of my Shuker In MovieLand blog's other film reviews and articles (each one instantly accessible via a direct clickable link), please click HERE, and please click HERE to view a complete fully-clickable alphabetical listing of them.

 

My book Still In Search Of Prehistoric Survivors (2016), which contains a very comprehensive coverage of the yarri or Queensland tiger, and featuring prominently in the bottom-left portion of its front cover an artistic representation by cryptozoology artist William M. Rebsamen of what this elusive, mysterious creature may look like if it is indeed a surviving representative of the marsupial lion Thylacoleo carnifex, complete with accurate dental depiction for the latter species (© Dr Karl Shuker/William M. Rebsamen/Coachwhip Publications)

 

TEEN WOLF TOO

 

Publicity poster for Teen Wolf Too (© Christopher Leitch/MGM/Atlantic Releasing Corporation – reproduced here on a strictly non-commercial Fair Use basis for educational/review purposes only)

One of Michael J. Fox's earliest but very successful movies was, aptly enough, canine themed…sort of. Namely, Teen Wolf – the 1985 fantasy/comedy movie directed by Rod Daniel and released by Atlantic releasing Corporation in which his adolescent character, high school student and basketball player Scott Howard, hits puberty and duly releases, to his considerable surprise and alarm, his hitherto-hidden inner werewolf! As this is primarily a comedy flick, however, instead of embarking upon a rampage of slaughter like most movie lycanthropes do, Scott utilises his unexpected animalistic attributes to improve his basketball skills, turning him into the team's star player!

Teen Wolf proved such a popular movie that in addition to a 2-season Teen Wolf: The Animated Series being screened on TV during 1986-1987 and again featuring Scott Howard as the lead character, a sequel live-action movie was also released back then, entitled Teen Wolf Too. But this time, and starring a different actor in it, the lead character was Scott's cousin. Like so many sequels to highly successful original movies, however, it did not attract the level of acclaim, especially from film critics, that its predecessor achieved, and is nowadays all but forgotten. Yet when I watched this movie recently, I found it very entertaining, which is why I am reviewing it here today.

Directed by Christopher Leitch, and released in 1987 by Atlantic Releasing Corporation again, Teen Wolf Too stars Jason Bateman in his film debut as Scott Howard's first cousin, Todd Howard (their fathers are brothers). Todd is a very bright but shy, socially-inept loner student at high school – until, that is, he discovers his family's lycanthropic secret when he, just like Scott, starts transforming into a werewolf, often on the most inopportune but hilarious occasions.

However, his attendant, greatly-increased physical strength and massively-boosted confidence also make Todd suddenly very popular with his class-mates, especially a certain female one named Nicki (Estee Chandler), who had already taken a shine to him even before his wolfish makeover. Furthermore, these new traits help him become a highly successful boxer at school – so much so, in fact, that he is in line to gain a major college scholarship if he can win a forthcoming boxing championship.

Sadly, however, such swift and entirely unexpected popularity and success soon go to Todd's head, so that the once-timid, studious, kind-hearted teenager becomes a brash, study-shirking, callous jerk, with his friends and fans losing no time in deserting him, as does girlfriend Nicki. So, can Todd shake off his beastly behaviour, restore the true Todd still residing within, and duly redeem himself in the eyes of his peers, yet still win that all-important, career-changing boxing championship?

It's not going to be easy, that's for sure! And why does his high school's enigmatic Prof. Tanya Brooks (Kim Darby) take such a particular interest in Todd? Is there more to her than meets the eye? Could be!!

As viewers of the original Teen Wolf will have recognized, the sports may have changed, from basketball to boxing, but by and large Teen Wolf Too is very much a re-run of that first movie in terms of basic storyline. The principal difference is how the lead character is portrayed. Both are boorish when lupine, no question about that. Yet whereas Michael J. Fox's Scott is still upbeat if not necessarily cocky when in human form, Jason Bateman's Todd is far more diffident and lacking in confidence when human, thereby making his lycanthropic transformations into an alpha male, albeit a decidedly hairy, clawed, and toothy one, much more dramatic.

Interestingly, moreover, the initial plan for Teen Wolf Too was for it to be a second live-action outing for Michael J. Fox's character Scott, which, if this had transpired, would have guaranteed by definition a very different storyline from the first movie. However, Fox apparently turned down the opportunity to reappear as Scott, supposedly due to his not wanting to put himself through the intricate, lengthy make-up regime required for transforming him on-screen into a werewolf. Hence the creation of a brand-new lead character, Scott's cousin Todd, for this sequel, plus the obvious necessity, therefore, to cast a different actor, but retreading much of the same plot themes from the original movie rather than devising entirely new ones.

Also of interest is that at one stage a third movie in this series was envisaged (not counting the much darker 2023 flick Teen Wolf: The Movie, based upon the 2011-2017 6-season TV show Teen Wolf), in which a now all-grown-up Scott is father to a daughter who perpetuates the family werewolf tradition. However, the critical panning and box office failure of Teen Wolf Too scuppered these plans.

Nevertheless, as I noted earlier, and which has been true so many times in the past with my movie viewing, in spite of the brickbats hurled at this movie down through the years from critics and other haters, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Indeed, if anything, I actually preferred it to the original, not least because of some delightful in-jokes, both embedded within the movie itself, and especially in its publicity.

Take a closer look at the publicity poster for it that heads this present Shuker In MovieLand review, for example, and spot all the wonderful canine/lupine-themed puns masquerading as titles on the spines of the books that Todd in semi-werewolf mode is leaning upon – 'The Wolfman Cometh', 'Fangs For The Memories', and 'Dyed In The Wolf', to mention but a few!

Then there is the clever reversion in it of the original movie's famous tagline. In Teen Wolf, this was: 'He always wanted to be special… but he never expected this!', whereas in Teen Wolf Too it becomes: 'He never wanted to be special… but he always expected this!'. The latter alludes to the fact that Scott's prior discovery that he was a werewolf and his subsequent coming out publicly as one meant that Todd, as his cousin, already knew that he was most probably one too (in contrast to Scott being totally shocked when he made that discovery about himself) and would therefore do the same. In turn, that also explains why the word 'Too' appears in this film's main title, rather than either 'Two' or '2', as one would normally expect in the title of an original movie's first sequel.

In conclusion: although Teen Wolf Two may never trouble the most popular 1980s or best werewolf movie lists, if you're looking for an undemanding, amusing fantasy/comedy movie to while away a pleasant 90 minutes or so, this one will fit the bill admirably.

If you'd like to watch an official trailer for Teen Wolf Too, no need to howl at the moon, just click here instead and watch one on YouTube!

Finally: to view a complete chronological listing of all of my Shuker In MovieLand blog's other film reviews and articles (each one instantly accessible via a direct clickable link), please click HERE, and please click HERE to view a complete fully-clickable alphabetical listing of them.

 

Publicity poster for the original 1985 movie, Teen Wolf, starring Michael J. Fox (© Rod Daniel/Wolfkill Productions/Atlantic Releasing Corporation – reproduced here on a strictly non-commercial Fair Use basis for educational/review purposes only)