In the early hours of Christmas Day in the morning this year, I didn't see three ships come sailing in, nor, sadly, a visit from St Nicholas. Instead, what I did see was a classic Christmas movie – but which one? If we pretend just for a moment that you haven't read the title of this present review and therefore don't already know the answer to that question(!), could it have been It's A Wonderful Life, or the original (and best) version of Miracle on 34th Street, or the chilling version of A Christmas Carol (aka Scrooge) featuring a superlative Alistair Sim as miser Ebeneezer Scrooge, or its hilarious updated version Scrooged starring Bill Murray, or any of the numerous Grinch outings? Of course not. Much as I love all of those movies, for me there could only be one festival film to choose for reviewing here on Shuker In MovieLand – yes indeed, Santa Claus Conquers The Martians!
It is a well known fact that this movie regularly appears on lists of the worst films ever made, but until now I had only ever watched it once (and never in colour), which was so very long ago (upward of 50 years, and on a b/w TV) that I could remember nothing whatsoever about it. So what better time to pay Santa Claus Conquers The Martians a very belated revisit and discover whether or not it truly deserves its infamous reputation than today? And does it? No, not at all.
Directed by Nicholas Webster and originally released in 1964, Santa Claus Conquers The Martians is a delightfully oddball movie aimed fair and square at young children but with a few subtle inclusions to appeal to parents watching it with them. It tells the droll tale of how the children on Mars are becoming ever more listless lately, interested only in watching TV programmes screened on Earth but received on Mars that show Earth children playing happily with their toys and anticipating with great joy the impending arrival of Santa Claus to bring them even more in just a few days' time when Christmas Day comes around again.
The reason for the Martian childrens' interest, and envy, is that they are not allowed toys or even to play – from the moment that they are born, they are plugged into machines that tutor them in every academic subject until by the time that they can walk, they are fully adult. In short, they skip the childhood phase undergone by earth children completely, but Earth programmes, especially Christmas ones, are showing them what they are missing, thus making them sad and depressed.
In a bid to overcome this listlessness, which is even affecting his own two children, Bomar and Girmar (their names derived from 'Boy Martian' and 'Girl Martian', the latter of whom is played by a very young Pia Zadora), the kindly but concerned Martian leader Kimar ('King Martian', played by Leonard Hicks) visits Chochem (Carl Don), an ancient Martian sage, for advice. In response, Chochem states that their planet's children need to be allowed individual thought and the freedom to play, to enjoy themselves. Consequently, Kimar proposes a very radical solution. Namely, to visit Earth clandestinely and abduct Santa Claus (John Call), bringing him back to Mars where he will be retained permanently in order to make toys for the Martian children, in the hope of restoring them back to their former contented state of mind. However, one of Kimar's councilors, the villainous Voldar, is vehemently against the plan, because he considers Earth children weak and foolish, and Santa too, and does not want Martian children to become the same by being allowed to think for themselves and enjoy themselves,
Nevertheless, Kimar's plan is put into practice, but when he, Voldar, and the other Martians from their visiting spacecraft are accidentally encountered on Earth by two children, Billy and Betty, Voldar declares that they will have to abduct them too, in order to prevent them from informing the authorities about the Martians. And so, after travelling to the North Pole and seizing the jolly but somewhat bemused Santa in his workshop, the Martians with their three earthling captives return to Mars and put Kimar's scheme into operation, creating a special workshop for Santa containing a toy-manufacturing machine that he can operate to mass-produce toys for children all over Mars as quickly as possible.
A disgruntled Voldar and his two henchmen Stobo and Shim promptly abduct Santa – or so they think – with the threat to kill him if he and the two children are not sent back to Earth at once and Kimar's plan for showing the Martian children how to have fun and to play is not abandoned forthwith. In reality, however, they have not abducted the real Santa, but instead a somewhat simple but sweet-natured Martian assistant to Kimar named Dropo, who has become a massive Santa fan after meeting him, and was wearing Santa's spare costume and a fake beard at the time of his abduction by Voldar and his two cohorts.
Thanks to an enterprising Billy, aided by Betty and the real Santa, however, Voldar et al. are duly defeated, and Kimar swiftly arrests them. Moreover, when Santa points out that Mars now has its very own Santa in the able form of Dropo, who can provide plenty of good cheer and, with the aid of the toy-making machine, plenty of toys too for the children of Mars, Kimar agrees to send Santa, Billy, and Betty back to Earth, a decision greeted with much rejoicing by everyone.
Overall, Santa Claus Conquers The Martians plays out very much along the lines of Babes In Toyland meets Lost In Space (the cult US TV show originally screened during 1965-1968), particularly in terms of its hilariously basic special effects, kitsch 60s décor, green-skinned Martians spangled with hefty smatterings of Christmas-card glitter, and space-age technology concocted from what look suspiciously like spray-painted cardboard boxes, toilet rolls covered in metallic wrapping paper, and an array of coloured electric light bulbs. Yet these epitomise the basement-level production values that so endeared Lost In Space to viewers, so why was (and still is) Santa Claus Conquers The Martians so denigrated for them, especially as it actually preceded Lost In Space (meaning that one might have expected improved values in the latter later show)? The whiff of critical hypocrisy hangs very much in the air here, it would seem.
Similarly, critics have denounced its storyline as trite, while choosing to ignore the blatantly obvious fact that this is a children's movie, pure and simple, filled with silly jokes, traditional slapstick and pratfalls, a brace of winsome but enterprising kids, and the absolute living, breathing, ho-ho-ho-ing embodiment of Santa Claus himself in John Call's archetypal portrayal of kindly old Saint Nick. Having said that, there are a few whimsical little nods here and there to real, topical aspects that would go straight over the heads of most children but adults would smile at, as I did when spotting them. One such example is the rocket scientist at Cape Kennedy alerted to the approaching Martian ship having the name Werhner von Green – a playful play on the name of a real, famous pioneering scientist in this field, one Wernher von Braun (Braun also being German for the colour brown).
In addition, I loved the fact that after Billy, Betty, and Santa escape through a very narrow chimney-like ventilation tube from an airlock into which Voldar had imprisoned them on the ship (planning to secretly jettison them into outer space), and are asked by a perplexed Kimar how Santa could have possibly got through such a narrow tube, Santa simply laughs and replies that he has plenty of experience in such matters!
Despite being perennially maligned and mistreated by film critics, Santa Claus Conquers The Martians actually performed well at the box office, especially as it was re-released many times at Christmas down through the years. Moreover, it has latterly become something of a cult classic in moviedom. However, in my opinion it is greatly deserving of nothing less than full rehabilitation as that rarest of cinematic confections available nowadays – a delightful and thoroughly wholesome, family-friendly, corny-but-cute movie that parents can allow young children to watch and enjoy safe in the knowledge that there is nothing in it to frighten or subvert them, but plenty to entertain them and fill them with the innocent joy that Christmas used to be all about, back in those long-gone pre-CGI days of simple festive yore.
Quite frankly, if I were in charge of the Christmas TV schedules, the Snowman would go walking in the air somewhere else, Sister Maria would liven up the hills with the sound of music far far away (wait, isn't that where Shrek lives??), and instead of giving out a heart, a brain, and some courage the Wizard of Oz would give us all a break by making way for an annual small-screen appearance of Santa Claus Conquers The Martians!
Due to all manner of complex legal issues that I don't even pretend to understand, despite being released as relatively recently as the 1960s Santa Claus Conquers The Martians is already in the public domain. I bought an official DVD of it because I specifically wanted it in my collection of movie DVDs and videos, but the entire film can also be watched legally for free on YouTube, by clicking here. And if you want to sing along to its infectiously catchy theme song, 'Hooray For Santa Claus' (as performed by Milton De Lugg & The Little Eskimos, released as a single in the States and now very collectable), be sure to click here. Altogether now: "S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S, Hooray For Santy Claus!"
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